It's a boy again?

So today I went to the doctor's for a check-up and an ultrasound. According to the grainy grey picture, I'm having a boy. They gave me a clear legs-up shot and I must say, it was pretty convincing. However, I'm still suspect. In 2007, my Shanghai doctor (different one) also circled "convincing evidence" of a boy, and blessed my immediate purchases of blue, green and yellow clothing. Then my daughter arrived and my first thought was: "poor thing." Being a female is tough.

Raising one is proving to be even tougher. I myself haven't decided if I want to lead my life with my soft, warm motherly side or my tough practical womanly side. In New York, I spent much more time in the latter taking care of clients, making sure my apartment didn't get too grimy, keeping my daughter full of homemade baby food, and trying to adequately respond to my single girlfriends' love life problems. I was mind-numbed, purposeful, fully-connected, but also tired and out-of-touch with any sense of inner well-being.

Here in China, I have almost too much time to be emotional, loving, creative, and exploratory. I think more, and take slower walks. Sometimes I feel lovely and relaxed, but more often, I feel slack and anxious that I am "sinking" into a less motivated side of me. I tell myself I'm not working hard enough, that I'm going to wake up and regret not being more practical, not making more money, not networking more in such a great Asian city, not doing more in general. Sometimes I push stress into my life just to ramp things up, just to replicate that familiar New York feeling. I set the goal of making the best parisian-like dinner for the day, or searching all over for tahini just to vary my daughter's protein sources, or hosting the best play date Jinqiao has ever seen, or sending out my latest short-story to every literary magazine in America. Then I get tired, and take a few days off to rejuvenate. As my softer self comes back into focus, I wonder if I've always been this hard on it, and where on earth did that bitchy demanding voice come from, and is it possible to get rid of it? (So far, the answer is no)

As a mother, this makes me nurture different qualities in my daughter each day. Sometimes, I want her to be super practical with no argument; I see little room for excuses in life's has to's and so she might as well learn early that bath time, three meals a day (that aren't cookies), and changing her diaper are non negotiable. They are not activities to which she should have to be wooed by bubbles and songs. She should just do them.

But then on other days, I think the world is too harsh to humanity's softer side. Maybe we should all blow bubbles in the bath? Maybe it would make us happier? And so what if she had her third cup of fake tea in her pink tea set right before bed. Isn't that what diapers are for? And she doesn't have to worry about being fat yet. Give her that second cookie.

The end result is what I'm sure is a confused parenting message - poor girl. Like today, I had a lot of real-estate stress related to my still-owned condo in Brooklyn, so I was all no-nonsense, get the job done. Poor Manika - no songs at bath time, no trading eggs for Cheerios, no bottle after teeth are brushed, only one hour exactly of television - she got the complete opposite treatment as yesterday.

She responded as I do at the end of a long overly-scripted, un-fun evening - she wanted a book and Suresh. In the end, he rocked her to sleep and she thankfully ended the day happy. Maybe I should learn something. Hug my husband more, read more just for the pure pleasure of it.

But then I might have to take down the big map of Brooklyn on my wall, my daily reminder of where my home is (and who I still am), my daily motivator? Without it, I'll be without any reference points. Will I forget who I am? Or will I just grow something new and different inside of me - a little masculine selfishness? A boyish energy to seize life by the hair and tug on it (unapologetically) with all my might?